Thought pod: The Party

It's not expected. Stand up, my mind says. Mingle. Dance. My heart, my body, wants to do party things.

In the chair I remain. Observing. Witnessing. Judging. Yearning.

A few gather, conversation. Catching up, laughter.

Eventually I'm alone again. Nervous hands check my phone. Alone, in the kitchen corner. I search for a pair of familiar eyes, none to be found.

This isn't me! I want to scream. This isn't me! This. Isn't. Me.

But it is.

I'm ready to go.

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Two weeks ago I went to my cousin's birthday party in Texas.  It was a whirlwind trip, travel was delayed on every leg, we were in Texas for a total of 28 hours. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was worth it, it was way too short, and there's not much I wouldn't do for my cousin Jennifer.

I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I was with such a large group of people that I don't know.  Of course there were people I do know very well there, family members, my husband, my brother, my aunt who also is in a wheelchair due to multiple sclerosis.  A few of my cousin's close friends who I have met on previous trips.  But my life has changed so much since I had last been in Texas.

I wrote the above poem, or what I'm calling a thought pod, on the flight home. I had to get those feelings out of my brain. It gives those feelings validation.  It's difficult being stuck in a chair when I want to dance. I want to say something flowery here. Something cerebral or witty to prove "I got this". But sometimes things just suck.

Most days they don't.